


Things the Heart Pirates are not allowed to do

by Animedemon01



Category: One Piece
Genre: Funny, Humor, List, Rules
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 09:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8050708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animedemon01/pseuds/Animedemon01
Summary: A hilarious list of all the things the Heart pirates are no longer allowed to do. Fic will end when I get bored of it.





	1. Rules 1-50

1\. I am not allowed to purchase any other crew members soul.  
  
2\. Strippers/prostitutes are banned on the Polar Tang.  
    -No exception will be made for male/non-human strippers/prostitutes.  
    -I am also not allowed to take up either of these professions to earn extra money.  
  
3\. No matter how many times Shachi presses the snooze button on a daily basis, I am not allowed to remove the batteries from his alarm clock.  
  
4\. I am prohibited from claiming the meat served on the Polar Tang to be bear/penguin meat.  
    -I am especially prohibited from _actually_ serving these meats on the Polar Tang.  
    -This rule also applies to human meat.  
  
5\. I am not allowed to turn in other crew members or any allies of the Heart Pirates for their bounty.  
  
6\. I am not allowed to stage a mutiny.  
    -I am free to leave at any time if I don't like it here.  
  
7\. I will stop adopting stray cats I find and bringing them to the ship, no matter how cute I think they are.  
    -This rule applies especially to unfixed cats, as the Feral cat population on the Polar Tang has gotten out of control.   
  
8\. I am no longer allowed to moon the enemy.  
    -On that note, I am not allowed to expose myself to the enemy in any way.  
  
9\. I am not allowed to wake up other crew members but repeatedly hitting them in the head with a bag of trash.  
  
10\. I will not refer to the captain as Dr. Feelgood.  
  
11\. I do not have the authority to recruit new crew members.  
    -Nor do I have the authority to fire or demote other crew members.  
  
12\. There is no cure for stupidity, and I did not invent one.  
  
13. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, does not apply on the Polar Tang.  
  
14\. I may not wear a gimp mask while on duty.  
    -Or ever.  
  
15\. I am not allowed to shoot seals while on watch.  
  
16\. Laughing gas is not as funny as I think it is.  
    -Nobody is laughing _with_ me.  
  
17\. Vodka, green food coloring, and an empty mint mouthwash bottle are never a good combination.   
  
18\. The two drink limit while on duty or in a dangerous area does not mean first and last.  
    -Nor does it mean two different types of drinks.  
    -The drinks cannot be as large as I am.  
  
19\. Teaching little children to taunt the other crew members is not okay.  
  
20\. No part of my crew uniform is eatable.  
  
21\. I am not allowed to make s'mores while on watch.  
  
22\. I should not confess to crimes that happened before I was born.  
  
23\. I am not allowed to get shot or killed.  
  
24\. I will not put Icyhot in anyone's body spray.  
  
25\. Starting a "Deadpool" and taking bets on which crew member will die first is both tasteless and tacky.  
    -The captain will be taking all the bets if another one of these is discovered.  
  
26\. There will be no musicals performed on the Polar Tang.  
    -Even if musicals in general were allowed, performing "Rocky Horror Picture Show," Would never be.  
  
27\. I am not allowed to lock Penguin and Shachi in a closet to "See what happens."  
    -I am not allowed to lock _anyone_ in any closet to "See what happens".  
  
28\. I will not take the word "Non-flammable" as a personal challenge.   
  
29\. I am not allowed to dress Bepo up as a giant spider, no matter how funny I find the captain's reaction to be.  
  
30\. I am not allowed to dye Bepo's fur.  
    -Nor am I allowed to shave it off completely.   
  
31\. I am not allowed to join a cult.  
    -Nor am I allowed to start said cult.  
  
32\. I will not pretend to be a women so men will buy me drinks.  
  
33\. Taking Penguin's dried salmon and eating it is a death sentence.  
  
34\. There is not, nor will there ever be, a sexy Heart Pirates pinup calendar.  
    -It doesn't matter how well I think it would sell.  
  
35\. For my own safety, I will not attempt to seduce Boa Hancock.    
  
36\. I am not allowed to organize a "Bring your daughter to work day."  
    -Nor am I allowed to bring in my children to play with Bepo.  
    -He would spend the whole day playing with them and not get any actual work done.  
  
37\. Addressing Jean Bart as "Hagrid" is a terrible idea.  
  
38\. Sea King's are not Pokemon, and throwing Pokeballs at them will just make them angry.  
  
39\. I will not attempt to shave with fire.  
    -Even if it kinda did work.  
  
40\. I shall not send new recruits out to buy left-handed screwdrivers/wrenches/ect. to see how long it takes them to realize.  
  
41\. I cannot have pizza delivered to the middle of the ocean.  
  
42\. Ammunition is not to be kept in the refrigerator.   
  
43\. "Crapton", "Shitload", "Asston", "I little bit", and "I don't know, whatever you feel like" are not proper measurements. I will stop using them as such.  
  
44\. Meddling with the coffee of my fellow crew members is a dangerous pastime.  
  
45\. Yes, we have a morgue. No, I am not allowed to store my beer in it.  
  
46\. Clothing is required on all public areas of the ship.  
  
47\. Hitting another crew member with a frozen fish will get my pay reduced.  
  
48\. I will stop using the excuse, "Because I wanted one," to buy useless crap.  
  
49\. I will not tie dye my crew uniform.  
  
50\. Superglue is not a toy, and I am not allowed to use it for pranks.


	2. Rules 51-100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want a One Piece spinoff manga about the heart pirates, it would be interesting to know how Law met Penguin and Shachi.

51\. Lazyitus is not an acceptable excuse for me to take the day of.  
  
52\. I will not bathe in the ocean.  
    -Especially not in the port of a heavily populated island.  
  
53\. I am not allowed to sing "Yellow Submarine" even again.  
    -I am not allowed to sing. Period.  
  
54\. Yes, we have a fan club. No, I am not allowed to sell them nudes of the other crew members.  
    -Or of myself.  
    -I should just stay away from them.  
  
55\. I am not to use Den Den Mushi for prank calls.  
  
56\. "I was bored," and "I was drunk," are not acceptable excuses for _anything_.  
  
57\. The captain doesn't get much sleep, so he will likely kill me if I am to wake him up.  
  
58\. I will not blame any of my actions on Bepo, just because the captain is less likely to get mad at him.  
  
59\. "Shipping" is not allowed on the Polar Tang, I am not to tell any other crew members that I "ship" them.  
  
60\. If I am told to paint the Polar Tang, I must paint it yellow. I am not allowed to paint it blue.  
    -Or any other non-yellow color, for that matter.  
  
61\. I am not allowed to replace any doors with clear glass ones, as Penguin has a problem of occasionally walking into them when they're closed.  
  
62\. I am not allowed to utter the words, "What's the worst that could happen?" ever again.  
  
63\. If for any reason I need a urine test, it isn't funny if I drink three quarts of food coloring beforehand.  
  
64\. While I am allowed to go swimming in the Ocean to catch fish any time I want, it is not recommended that I do so near a winter island.   
  
65\. Yes, Shachi's name means Orca. No, I am not allowed to call him Shamu and demand he does tricks.  
  
66\. I am not allowed to make laser noises on the Polar Tang.  
  
67\. Asking Bepo "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" And then walking away was only funny the first time.  
  
68\. I do not have company insurance.  
  
69\. I will not make dirty jokes about the number pertaining to this rule.  
  
70\. If I have accidentally lit the oven on fire within the last year, I am not allowed to cook.  
    -If I do this on purpose in an attempt to get out of cooking, I will still have to cook.  
  
71\. I am not allowed to have a mullet. EVER!  
  
72\. I am not allowed to get Bepo drunk even again.  
  
73\. I am not allowed to play "Pulp Fiction" with my fellow crew members when we're supposed to be working.  
  
74\. I am not allowed to have a contest to see who can get the most rules put on this list.  
  
75\. Hairspray and a lighter are not to be used to make a homemade blowtorch.  
  
76\. I am not allowed to ask any crew member who outranks me if they're high.  
    -Even if I'm pretty sure they are.  
  
77\. I can't have flashbacks to battles I wasn't in.  
  
78\. Asking the captain what he's doing on Mothers Day will get me murdered.  
    -Same goes for Fathers Day.  
  
79\. I do not have super powers.  
  
80\. I am not allowed to wear a cape.  
  
81\. White body paint is not an appropriate substitute for my crew uniform.   
    -No matter how hot it is outside.  
  
82\. Because he is the only animal on the ship, Bepo is the only one allowed to walk around naked.  
  
83\. "Why?" is not a proper response to any of the captain's orders.  
  
84. Crucifixes do not ward off the captain, I should not test this.  
  
85\. I will not speculate the penis size of other crew members.  
  
86\. There will be no pillaging of any kind, ever.  
  
87\. Yes, we are pirates. No, I am not allowed to do all the illegal things I can think of on islands with that as my justification.  
  
88. Penguin does not want to hear my bird calls.  
    -No matter how good I think they are.  
  
89\. I am not allowed to consume an entire prescription bottle of sugar pills in front of the other crew members to freak them out.  
  
90\. I am a man, I cannot use "That time of the month," as an excuse to get out of work.  
  
91\. _Nobody_ wants to hear about what I did with six boxes of poptarts.  
  
92\. I am not allowed to give/receive tattoos to/from other crew members.  
  
93\. I am not allowed to teach Bepo "The song that never ends."  
  
94\. My "Big Mom" jokes stopped being funny quite a while ago.  
  
95\. I will not organize a fight club.  
  
96\. There is no "Dress like the captain" day.  
  
97\. The captain does not need or want a hug.  
  
98\. I cannot use Hadouken and should not attempt to.  
    -Especially during a fight with another ship.  
  
99\. I am not on survivor, and thus cannot vote other crew members off the ship.  
  
100\. If I am heard screaming like I'm being murdered (or making any other loud sounds of the like), the rest of the crew will assume that something terrible is happening to me and break down the door.  
    -Especially if its the middle of the night and said screams are keeping them awake.


End file.
